firsts
When Shelley was 13 she went to the school dance. She hadn't been to one before and didn't know what to expect, but fervently hoped Kris would be there and that, somehow, "something" would happen, like maybe she'd be able to sidle up to him in the crowd and he'd notice her and because it would be dark and nobody would be able to see who was with whom without a lot of squinting, he'd hold her hand or maybe even put his arm around her shoulders. She tried to think of realistic ways in which they would happen to kiss, but he was so tall and she so short, they'd have to be sitting down, and that meant being on the edge of the crowd and that in turn meant being visible, and she was 99.9% sure there was no way he'd be want to be seen doing anything with her... and yet she still believed he would take advantage of her, if she made herself available and was obviously willing, if it was dark and nobody was looking.
When she got to the hall she was quite shocked to find that most of the kids were wearing their regular clothes - she seemed to be the only one who had dressed up (she was in fact wearing a dress; almost everyone else was in jeans). She went straight to the bathroom to mess up her hair while trying to make it look as if it was already messy and she she was fixing it. Two groups of whispering girls came and went while she ran wetted fingers through carefully curled hair, trying to make it straight again without also making it too flat or limp.
When she emerged she tried so hard to look casual, relaxed, totally cool. The main lights had been turned down, so with only the disco ball and its accompanying coloured and flashing illumination it was now really hard to see who was where. She didn't think her usual friends would be here (secretly she hoped they weren't; the last thing she wanted was to get stuck with the squares) but had a look around anyway to see if they were. Nope, it seemed to be mostly the underachievers and the tough kids, the unruly boys and the tarty girls, plus a fair scattering of kids she didn't know very well.
She made her way to the edge of the crowd and looked for a way in. Some of the kids were dancing in pairs or groups, some just huddled close together, somehow holding a conversation over the din of the music. There weren't many gaps between the groups, but she found one, and at least got away from the gaze of the chaperoning teachers.
She tried to figure out who people were based on their shoes and lower legs. She didn't want it to be obvious she was there on her own - being seen as not having anyone to hang out with was just so uncool. She also didn't want to make eye contact with any of the kids who regularly bullied her, so it was best not to make eye contact at all. Suddenly someone grabbed her arm and pulled her backwards. She tensed up, but it was only Diane, who was on the fringe of her circle of squares (a friend of a friend of a friend). Since she'd heard it said that Diane smoked and had made out with a boy during the holidays, Shelley felt it was worthwhile spending some time with her - at the dance, at least.
"Here," yelled Diane, shoving something into Shelley's hand. She frowned and squinted, then realised that by the shape, it was a small flattish bottle. She looked up at Diane, who rolled her eyes, leant in close and yelled "Vodka!" Shelley was shocked that kids her age would dare bring alcohol to a school dance, but she didn't want to be uncool so she shrugged and took a swig. She managed not to cough violently or spit it out, but she did make some undignified noises and a bit of it somehow went up her nose. She had no idea it would burn! She managed a grimacy sort of smile and handed it back. "Never had it neat, huh!" Diane bellowed, laughing, but not in a nasty way. Shelley was grateful for the cover of this excuse and shook her head in what she thought was a suitably rueful manner. One of the girls with Diane passed her an opened can of Coke and she had some of that, then realised there was alcohol in that as well... She just hoped she didn't get so drunk that she couldn't hide it from her parents when she eventually got home.
Diane and her friends seemed not to mind having Shelley traipsing around after them and Shelley basked in the glow of their protection. Even when she was just three feet away from one of the girls who hassled her every day, she felt safe. She did wonder if that meant she was drunk or whether maybe there were different rules for evening events - unwritten, unspoken, but somehow still known, whereby the bullies left their victims alone, just for once, and those timid little mice got to experience a taste of freedom.
She'd almost forgotten about Kris when she saw him come in with his regular group of friends (almost all of them mean, rough, nasty boys). She tried not to be too obvious, watching him move around the hall and talk to different groups of kids. He was so tall he had to bend down to get his head close to theirs. She wondered then if maybe he was a year or two older and had repeated a class somewhere along the line.
Karen, the girl who'd given her the Coke, suddenly grabbed Diane and pulled her a little way away and commenced an animated conversation. For a horrible moment Shelley thought Karen had noticed her looking at Kris and was going to set up something to humiliate her, so she turned away for a while, pretending to be interested in watching the bored teachers trying to do their duty, but when she turned back, Diane was talking to someone else and Karen had vanished. Maybe Karen had gone to the bathroom, or to buy another Coke from the vending machine... Meantimes Shelley was hoping someone would give her something else alcoholic but didn't want to ask outright, so she just waited to see what would happen next.
Then there was an elbow in her ribs and it was Diane, indicating with the tilt of her head that Shelley should follow. They went outside and a little way off from the doors, to a tree that had benches around it. Diane, Karen and one of the other girls lit cigarettes. Shelley sat on her hands and tried to look bored (while inwardly cringeing, waiting for a teacher to come storming over and bust them). Somebody passed her their cigarette. Shelley took it and decided that if she blew very gently into the filter, the tip would glow so it looked like she had inhaled. Then she would cough a bit and the others could laugh at her pathetic non-smoker attempt to look cool. She was thankful the cigarette didn't come back to her later.
They went back inside and made their way to the centre of the crowd. Another small bottle of vodka was produced and everybody had a swig. Shelley had a bit of a headache from the cigarette smoke and the noise and constantly having to shout, but feared that if she left now, they'd not only laugh at her when she was gone, she'd get laughed at on Monday as well, in front of everyone, so she bore it out. Every now and then she craned her neck to see where Kris was at, but most of the time couldn't spot him, so he must have been sitting down somewhere.
The lights went on at 10.50pm and everybody blinked, a few reeled, and some clandestine items were hastily shoved back into bags and pockets. Teachers moved into the centre crowd to break up the groups and start herding the kids out the doors. Shelley turned around to see where Diane was and saw Kris sitting on the floor, his back against one of the closed pairs of doors, his arms around Karen... kissing her... in a way that made Shelley think of undersea creatures twined together in a reproductive frenzy.
Shelley stumbled out the nearest open door, biting her lip hard and blinking the tears back. She would cry when she got home, but it was important nobody see her cry now, and she couldn't go home looking like she'd been crying or her parents would definitely never let her go to another evening event, ever.
Diane called out and waved to her. She waved back, pointing towards the main road where buses waited. Diane nodded and smiled, heading in the other direction.
The chartered buses wouldn't leave until everyone was accounted for and Shelley prayed Kris wouldn't get on her bus. Then, when he didn't, she wondered if he was still kissing Karen, nestled in a dark corner of the playground or even the car park. She bit the side of her hand to distract herself from the urge to cry, to sob, to scream. An older kid she didn't know took the seat next to her but turned sideways to talk to his friends in the seat behind. She rested her head on the grimy window and closed her eyes. She could tell by the bumps in the road and the swerves of corners and the sound of other traffic entering from side roads when it was her stop, and when the bus pulled up she swung herself up by the seat handle and flounced off the bus without bothering to turn to see if there were any other kids on there she should at least wave to.
When she got home her parents asked in their usual banal way if she'd had a good time and what it was like. She said the music was a little too loud so she couldn't talk to anyone, but she'd found some kids she knew and hung out with them, so overall it had been a good event.
When she was finally alone in bed she found the tears wouldn't come. She wanted to cry - she was angry and hurt and angry at herself for being so surprised that Kris would kiss Karen (who was known to be easy for a kiss), and angry at herself for not just going up to Kris and smiling or touching him or whatever it would have taken to make him kiss her instead. Then an even more horrifying thought occurred - what if Karen and Kris were going to be boyfriend and girlfriend now? What if she had to see them together every day? That was enough to make her cry, and when she was finally cried out, she slept.